#SorryAsianParents

A goofy kid just trying to make sense of the world while trying to be Asian American


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Stage Name Comedy Ep.00

So my buddy, Seth Austin, and I started a YouTube channel for vidcasting. It’s called Stage Name Comedy. We’re just some wannabe entertainers with our friends giving our unqualified opinions on current events or whatever else we find funny. This was just a mic check and testing out our format. The next recording I’m deff going to have better equipment.

Everything here is just for laughs and I’ll prob turn my lengthy blog post into video as well. We’re probably gonna make some enemies but I guess enjoy?

 

Well, this is two average joes giving our first unqualified opinion on interracial marriages, different levels of Karens, what two unemployed dreamers in La La Land have been doing, and the economy reopening up. Everything is meant to be jokes and fun so sorry if we offend, we did not mean


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Reopening The Economy During The Rona: The advice of medical professionals or a fresh haircut, what’s more important?

 

***DISCLAIMER*** I want to say that before you read this thing, just take it with a grain of salt. I’m not an expert in health or economics; I’m just a guy stuck in quarantine with a lot of time. These are just my opinions and you should live your life how you want to . . . well, only if you don’t harm anyone by coughing on ’em. Man, I have so many feelings. ***DISCLAIMER***

Coronavirus. It’s still happening. State governors are trying to manage the number of new cases, flattening the curve, by implementing “social distancing” rules. Unfortunately, this controversial method has caused many citizens to lose their jobs, hurting the American economy. Boy, I would hate to be one of those “credible” news sources and government officials who publicly made comments downplaying the Rona . . . Huh? What do you mean Fox is trying to change their Coronavirus coverage history? And what? Those government officials actually profited off the Rona by selling a bunch of their stocks right before everything came crashing down?

L.O.L., almost had me there. Wait, that actually happened?

Oh, moving on, I guess.  

After a few weeks of cabin fever, some people have had enough! Across the nation, a mixed bag of the unemployed, racists, and Karens have gathered at their city halls to protest “Shelter in Place” laws to reopen the economy. Despite the warnings of many health officials (and lives lost), the protesters believe their financial well being is more important than the threat of a pandemic.

With more than 26.5 million Americans filing for unemployment insurance, it’s hard not to empathize with their economic concern. But if we were to go back to work, we have to consider what’s more important: the American economy or the potential lives that might be lost from reopening too soon? yup, priorities

Sad to say, they do have a valid argument. Then again, there are those assholes who want to reopen because they want a fucking haircut. These shallow reasons are disrespectful to medical professionals and to the lives of those this virus has affected or taken. There’s no reason to tell those who have put their lives on the line to go fuck themselves because you want to go golfing.

Putting economic fears aside, protesters often support their reopen agenda by claiming that the coronavirus has a “low death rate” when compared to the flu.

According to Live Science, this statement might be false: “Though the death rate for COVID-19 is unclear, most research suggests it is higher than that of the seasonal flu.” When compared to the 0.1% death rate of the common flu, the death rate of COVID-19 is almost 10 times more. 

“Since this disease is caused by a new virus, people do not have immunity and a vaccine may be many months away,” Lisa Lockerd Maragakis, M.D., M.P.H., senior director of infection prevention at John Hopkins wrote. In a review, she suggests how some cases of COVID-19 can be more fatal than the flu. “But at present, it [mortality rate] is thought to be higher than that of most strains of the flu.”

The National Review also reported that 34,200 Americans died from the flu in 2018-19. As of right now, the number of coronavirus deaths is well past 50k. Soooooo, yeah.

In spite of science, many radical news sources (and unfortunately the president) still preach how the “flu is deadlier than the Rona.” But hey! What do these scientists doing clinical research know? Facts aren’t important if you have the power of Christ on your side. You know what spreads faster than this “Chinese Virus”? Misinformation!

I can’t believe I have to say this: FACEBOOK IS NOT A NEWS SOURCE! It’s the cesspool of information. An alarming 62% of Americans get their news from Facebook and other social media platforms

 

While Rona Deniers echoed about “low death rates” on social media, doctors and nurses in New York were scrambling to store their “low death rates” in freezer trucks. It’s easy to forget how each tally of death used to be a living person when you’re throwing numbers around.

Dr. Colleen Smith felt how human the rising death rates in Queens can be. She said the medical staff at Elmhurst Hospital struggled without help from the federal government. She expressed her concerns about the availability of beds and the risk of medical professionals being exposed to a virus they have yet to understand. But, whatever, it’s her job and what happens in N.Y. doesn’t affect small grassroots towns. Right?

Melissa Steiner, an I.C.U. nurse in Michigan, described her first day in the pandemic as “working in a war zone.” In her video, she broke down in tears as she recounted how the overwhelmed staff had to make do with limited supplies. But since the number of cases has gone down, she shouldn’t have to worry about having another horrific 13-hour shift. Right?

Some protesters are saying that “people are going to die anyway, so we should just reopen the economy.” I’m sure Keiko Neutz’s family (a family who had to say their goodbyes through a series of video chats) would think sacrificing a few lives just so some people can have a bowling night would be ok. Right?

Muhammad Siyab Panhwar (a cardiologist in Louisiana who watched his patients die) and Calvin Sun (an emergency physician in N.Y. who is frustrated with how the federal government handled the pandemic) should be used to telling family members their loved ones died from the Rona by now. Right?

Wrong! Mother fucker! *You have to read that in a Samual L. Jackson voice*

The increasing number of angry protesters has started to interfere with many medical professional’s jobs.

“It’s unfair for the people who have to go to work, every single day, especially at the hospitals,” James Smith, an employee for Sparrow Hospital in Lansing, MI, said in a viral rant. He is frustrated because his ambulance was blocked by the protester’s cars during an emergency. “If y’all don’t take your asses home, this is what I’m mad about. Y’all are idiots. I can’t do my job.”

Photographer Alyson McClaran captured two people in Denver wearing scrubs counter-protesting the reopening protesters who were protesting the government “Shelter in Place” law with a protest of their own by blocking the road. Boy, that’s a handful to say. One of the counter-protesters told Westword that her name is Jo and is a physician assistant. In an interview with TIME, McClaran said she “[believes] they were health care workers.”  

A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride

But it seems as if in the midst of all this tension, protesters have started to harass nurses. In one of McClaran’s photos, the male counter-protester was told to “go back to China” by a woman leaning out of her truck. Real original. 

“We’re trying to do the right thing, and we don’t need to get attacked,” a nurse said in a video by NowThis Politics, “it’s not right to get attacked.” The video shows protesters shouting obscenities at nurses who are counter-protesting the reopening rallies.

 

 

“It really feels like a slap in the face to medical workers,” Alexis, a nurse from Denver, said. “I don’t want to be stuck in the house either, but that’s not the point.” It boggles my mind how some protesters would stoop so low by trying to discredit these nurses who are on a suicide mission to protect their ungrateful asses.

“And they are saying to open P.A., with no testing, it’s like they, they don’t care about life,” a nurse from Harrisburg cried when she found out people were protesting to reopen P.A. “They don’t care about the people around them and the people they love. I care about the people.”

 

Sarcasm aside, I want this virus to end, too. I’m going crazy. I want to do hoodrat things with my friends. But after hearing all these medical professionals’ emotional experiences, it makes me question what’s really important. Just look at this Saudi doctor who broke down in tears when his son tries for a hug. Heartbreaking.

“It’s disrespectful, narrow-minded, and ignorant,” John Austin, 32, from Los Angeles, said of the recent protest. He is one of the many who have lost someone to that cruel bitch, Rona, and does not want to risk any more lives. “We absolutely could’ve prevented many of the deaths had our federal government been more proactive.” 

 Austin is not alone. In an N.B.C. News/Wall Street Journal poll, nearly 60% of Americans are concerned that reopening the economy too soon will be detrimental. 

Dr. Fauci, director of NIAID, told CNN that reopening too soon can potentially lead to a future outbreak. And if we reopen the economy, it’s the workers who are at risk of exposure, not Karen. She only has to be out for her one-hour hair appointment before her brunch session with the gals, where she’s can’t wait to yell a whole quarantine worth of complaints to her server. #GETEXCITED 

And guess who has to go through the cycle of deaths and tears again? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not those pretty people on Grey’s Anatomy.

But let’s go back to that, the whole needing to working for a living wage thing. Yes, it’s horrible that many small businesses are shut down or in danger of permanently closing, but are there really no jobs available during hashtag CoRonaTime?

A sassy reporter also was wondering this when she asked N.Y. Gov. Cuomo about employment concerns at a press conference. And when he answered, man, he wasn’t having any of it.

“You want to go to work? Go take a job as an essential worker,” he said. Man, I haven’t heard a clap-back that hard since Charlie Murphy slapped the shit outta James Brown. Cuomo said that if you really want a job, you can find one. “It’s not just about you, you have a responsibility to me. It’s not all about you. . . and nothing comes before the public health risk of somebody else’s life.”

So, I guess when people are protesting for haircuts and golf courses, what they really mean is that they want you to go back to work and risk your life so they can get their first world privileges back. Cuz Merica! Fuck yeah!  

“It’s easy to dismiss the anti-lockdown protest as business,” Maia Niguel Hoskin wrote in Vox op-ed. She argues how some of the protesters’ ideals are racist and only benefit a select few while hurting the poor, working class. “And if they do return to ‘regular life’ and refuse to distance themselves, their overt disregard will impact the population most vulnerable to the virus – black people.” 

These people are “essential workers,” not sacrificial lambs

I mean, your Rona job doesn’t have to be permanent. You can drive for Uber, or deliver for DoorDash, or even set up an OnlyFans. And you don’t even have to get naked or do sexual stuff; some girls make a bunch of money from just showing their feet. Don’t let anyone tell you that showing your feet online isn’t a real job, cuz them dollar signs don’t lie.

Oh, the irony so real it hurts.

So there are jobs out there, money can be made. It’s not going to be easy. But maybe you’re not trying hard enough. Perhaps you just need to realize your worth and get whatever job you can right now to pay the bills. Oh, snaps, boomers! Doesn’t sound reassuring when you hear it, huh?

Behind all the jokes and comments I’ve, I believe the argument to reopening the economy so people can make a living wage is valid. And if you want to protest, go ahead, it’s your constitutional right. *Cough* Just like Pro-Choice and B.L.M. *Cough* Irony *Cough* With many states already starting to reopen, I know many people will begin to feel that FOMO.

 

However, if 60% of Americans and many medical professionals think that reopening the economy prematurely will jeopardize our chances of combating the virus, maybe we should listen. Or, at the very least, come up with a better reason than your First World Problem when protesting, selfish prick. 

PS, this song below describes my love for musicals and how much I miss my friends during the quarantine.


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The Novela Coronavirus: How COVID-19 exposed racial prejudice against Asian people

Ye Yellow Fever is coming from the East, rare.

***NOTE: This is meant as a humor piece with some facts, contains strong language.***

It’s only been a few months in the year 2020, but (!) there’s probably a strong argument that this year has sucked lots and lots of balls. So far, the world lost basketball legend Kobe Bryant, Brexit finally went down in January (after years of teasing to pull out like the British Lads they are), and, currently, America is running out of toilet paper. Coronavirus fever has finally hit the States, and it’s causing a flurry of commotion at grocery stores across the nation- resulting in robberies and physical clashing of every Chad and Karen known to man. Are these toilet paper hoarders crazy? Yeah, they probably are. But, who knows? These people might actually need the ultra-softness of Charmin’s mega roll after their assholes explode from eating a Costco worth of ramen noodles and canned beans.

So, why is this Coronavirus making people so crazy? According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, COVID-19, or its street name: Novel Coronavirus, is causing such a ruckus because there currently isn’t a cure, and it’s hard to contain. Seems more like a Novela Virus with all the drama it’s causing. Compared to its cousin Influenza, which only kills less than 1% of those infected, COVID-19 has already killed about 11%. This virus hops onto the next person faster than a contestant on The Bachelor

World leaders have taken drastic action by placing their citizens in a state of quarantine. The economy has also taken a nosedive, causing massive lay-offs. With major music festivals like Ultra and Coachella being canceled or postponed, even Instagram THOTs are feeling the burn of unemployment. And there ain’t no cream for that.

Yes, things are pretty fucking crazy right now. 

But, do you know what’s spreading faster than a Bachelorette’s legs on ABC? I mean, Coronavirus? Racism! Aside from having to worry about getting a virus that makes you cough blood and post memes all day because of having to “Shelter in Place,” people of Asian descent now have to, also, worry about xenophobia and discrimination from idiots who thinks that every John Chinaman is spewing out COVID-19 like NBA star Rudy Gobert at a press conference

Mmm, touch dem mics

Nothing says quarantine like a classic mic stroking, eh? 

France was perhaps the first country out of China to warn its citizens of COVID-19. But for one local newspaper, Le Courier Picard, the print decided to go full Fox News when they labeled the crisis “Alerte Jaune” or, in English, “Yellow Peril.” 

You might ask, “Why is this color-metaphor racist?” Well, my non-yellow friends, it’s because this phrase was used in the early 1900s as propaganda against people of the East. So, is it racist? Maybe we should ask the Chinese woman wearing a protective mask in the picture the print decided to use for their piece. She must be thrilled to be the face of French Coronavirus propaganda. Awkward.

Though the newspaper apologized for their mislabeling and bastardization of Chinese people, the damage was already done. On Twitter, the hashtag  #JeNeSuisPasUnVirus, which translates to “I’m not a virus,” started to flood social media as a means to raise awareness of the rising discrimination against French Asian citizens. I think this whole story is nuts; Asian people in France, actually existing, like in Rush Hour 3, nuts!

As Coronavirus fever made its way to Harry Potter world, stories of Asian students getting their asses beat like it’s the 1840’s were starting to make headlines. One of the first cases involved a Singapore man named Mok on the streets of Oxford. While being assaulted, Mok heard one of the four assailants say, “I don’t want your Coronavirus in my country”. A statement that probably doesn’t sound good in any context. And a month later, four Chinese students wearing medical face masks were harassed at Vincent’s Walk in Southampton. With immigration playing a key role for Brexit, Asian people getting their asses beat was inevitable. I guess having free education doesn’t stop assholes from being arsehole.

I think the sign and hat isn't bad. But that girl in the back, too far, bro.

I think the sign and hat aren’t bad. But that girl in the back, too far, bro.

Even in the land where weed and hookers are legal, the Netherlands, there are cases of racial discrimination. A Korean woman was almost assaulted by two men while riding her bike, Meghan Rajagopalan reports on BuzzFeed News. The victim, Jiye Seong-Yu, said she heard one of the men yell out “Chinese” as he swung. Rajagopalan’s piece also mentions a Korean American woman living in Amsterdam who was harassed online. The woman was called a “Chinese bitch” on Facebook and received other hateful comments. 

And the COVID-19 World Tour doesn’t stop there. America may be late to the party, but we are currently putting all the other country’s racist games to shame. 

Starting from the East Coast in NYC, a woman named Min, who goes by @princessmin_c on Twitter, said that a woman sitting across from her moved when she coughed. Min said the woman also covered her face before she decided to play a game of Runawayfromtheasian. 

In San Fernando Valley, a 16-year-old Asian kid was beaten and sent to the hospital because his schoolmates thought he had the Coronavirus. A couple of miles away, a man was yelling at an Asian woman about how all the “Chinese” are dirty on the Los Angeles Metro. The kicker is that the woman isn’t even Chinese. I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: a man of color assuming the woman is Chinese or that he believes this woman just flew in from Cronavirusville, China, only to ride in the elegant carriage of the LA Metro?

Mind you, these are just a few accounts from an overabundance of many. Every time I’m on NextShark, I can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed with all the new stories flooding in, gangbanging my faith in humanity. 

Even esteemed news sources like CNN and NPR are chiming in, telling people to not do something that I didn’t think needed to be said. It’s gotten to the point where California’s Governor, Gavin Newsom, had to address the recent rise in racial prejudice against Asian people in a press conference.

When talking about big media covering the Coronavirus, we, of course, have to talk about the elephant in the room: Fox News.

On an episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, the comedian jests about how one Fox News correspondent really felt about China. (It’s at the 16-minute mark of the episode/link). Spoiler Alert: Donald Luskin doesn’t think they are civilized people. Though, it’s not surprising with similar past segments on FOX taking the piss out of Asian people who (literally) can’t defend themselves. Just between you and me, everyone at Fox kinda looks like your average neighborhood racist that hates the “Chine-knees” but still jerks-off to oriental porn when the wife’s at spin class.

Haters gonna hate. During these trying times, people would usually look to their leaders for pluralism and guidance. But, this is “Trump’s America” we’re talking about. 

Between the tariffs and political ass-kissing, President Trump has a complicated relationship with China. Unlike with Russia, where the leader is literally Putin it in his mouth, Trump’s relationship with Jinping is more of a

Yeah, he said it.

will-they-or-won’t-they kind of situation.

However, the president of the United States made his feelings pretty clear when referring to COVID-19 as the “Chinese Virus” in a tweet. An unfortunate choice of words would probably be a gross understatement. Of course, Trump being Trump didn’t stop his White House staff from using the term “Kung-Flu” at a press dinner. CBS News correspondent Weijia Jiang had the honor of being the “Asian person in the room” for the staff to throw down their new slang. The amount of professionalism here is equivalent to, “If I say it to my Asian friend, then it must be ok.” 

Just like the time your white friend asked your black friend if it’s ok to use the “N-word” if he uses a soft “a” and not the “er,” it’s a hard fuckin’ no! Especially at an official White House event filled with reporters, you fucking idiots.  

You might be thinking, “The president and these officials aren’t being PC, who cares?”

I guess it would be ok . . . if we were in our 20’s and at a fucking frathouse. But these are public officials who are held to a higher standard! 

Just because Trump can’t use big words, we can’t have the president of the US demonizing an entire race by personifying a virus as Chinese. There are already stupid people who can’t tell the difference between Chinese people from China and Asian people from other countries . . . in Asia . . . that isn’t China. I know this isn’t exactly rocket science, but sometimes I feel like it is. 

Honestly, I can keep going on about shit people doing shit things, but let’s start wrapping this up. I know I’ve given a lot of examples, but, like a child asking for a toy a hundred times, I feel like I have to annoy you till you feel pissed off to do something about it. 

I actually got a taste of this Coronaracism last month when I was called a DIRTY CHINESE, CORONAVIRUS, and a ZIPPERHEAD. This happened in the locker room at the 24 Hour Fitness in Koreatown by a Latino guy. In fucking Koreatown! Full of Asians, I know, the balls on this guy. 

Truth be told, I was taken by surprise. This was one of those “I hear about it online, but it never happens to me” kinda deal. So, I did what any millennial would do: write about it on Facebook. 

I was actually surprised by how many people responded to my post with support. I was even more surprised how some of my non-Asian friends were unaware of the current Yellow State of Affairs. Though I shouldn’t have been surprised since racism isn’t new. 

But why now? Why is it currently “ok” for stupid people to Trojan Horse their chauvinistic feelings against Asian people during Coronapocalypes? 

Anna Russell tries to answer this question in her piece for The New Yorker, “The Rise of Coronavirus Hate Crimes.” Her article points out that dumbasses feel it’s ok to attack Asian people because “lots of people agree” with the attacker’s emotions. In millennials words, because it’s fucking trending. I’m just paraphrasing here. 

A lot of people’s lives have been affected by this virus, and some of those people feel the need to blame someone. And it’s not gratifying blaming a virus because a clump of RNA can’t react to someone’s grievance (unless it’s the anime Cells at Work). 

So what’s the next best thing? It’s good ole fashion racism. The situation has gotten so bad in America that some Chinese Americans now fear for their lives. Just look at these testimonials in The New York Times from people who have been attacked

You’re probably wondering, how can we stop this intolerance against Asian people? Well, it’s easy, really. But the fact that I even have to say it is absurd; DON’T BE A FUCKING RACIST! 

What if you’re in a situation where an Asian person is being bullied, and you’re not the one being racist? Well, Josephine Harvey tells us precisely what to do in her piece for the HuffPost. If you see something, say something. 

It could be as simple as saying, “Hey! Not cool, bro.” If you’re more of an action person, then you can just stand next to the victim. Just a sense of solidarity goes a long way. If bystanders show support for the victim, then the perpetrator might realize it’s not normal to be a racist dick. Be like this guy standing up for his fellow American citizen on an NYC train. 

And now reporting Coronavirus-related attacks is even easier with this new website by Asian American and Pacific Islander groups. According to NBC News, the information collected will be used by nonprofit groups for education and media campaigns telling people to, you know, not be a racist.

For all you racist out there, all I’m asking for is just some basic things: read a map and figure out the difference between a Chinese person and another Asian person; stop assuming every Asian person has the Coronavirus because we probably all have it by now; maybe educate yourself about the virus and how it isn’t in every Asian-looking person’s DNA (you uneducated swine); and, most importantly, you should stop punching Asian people in angry mobs then running away (you fucking coward). If you think an Asian person has the Cough of Death and you run towards ‘em, then you definitely deserved to be coughed on. Unless you’re Stretch Armstrong, punching someone isn’t exactly social distancing.  

Right now, the Coronavirus isn’t just a Chinese problem; it’s a global epidemic. Even if you think this corona thing is a hoax, this problem will affect your life, whether you like it or not. The circumstances have changed, and we need to band together if we’re going to survive. I know being in quarantine is driving you mad, and you’re probably playing around with the idea of starting an Only Fans/Patreon, but we gotta stop stabbing Asian people at grocery stores. If we can’t do that, then at the very least, stop buying more than one mega roll of toilet paper. Because if people run out of to-go napkins to wipe their butts with, then we’re going to have a pinkeye epidemic next. 

I guess it’s time for those Micky Dz napkins.